He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
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There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
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I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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