i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
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new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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