So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This is classic penis vs brain.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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