Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry my hands just texted you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
