You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
