Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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