every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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