I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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