There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
