Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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