I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
