I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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