i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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