you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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