Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
