I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
