Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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