I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
