Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
