I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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