"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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