I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
