I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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