That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.