A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
