this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
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My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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