Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
