4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
