Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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