Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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