Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
