Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
