There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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