you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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