How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think i got beer on your cat.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
