do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
