so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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