Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
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ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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