He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No subtext here. People are naked.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
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I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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