remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
