So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
