another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
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I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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