I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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