I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
