So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
