I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
