come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
