My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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