just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
