He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
