it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
