its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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