He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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