Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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