I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
