I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
